A New World?

11/13/16

Wednesday morning at 3:30am, I woke from a not full sleep. I grabbed my phone and typed in Electoral College Map. First thing that pops up is "Donald J. Trump won the Presidency". Fuck You Google...what do you know!   I feel asleep at 10:30, knowing that that was probably going to be the case, but I did not want to believe it. I tossed and turned till about 5am and then just decided to get it over with and wake up and face this new reality.

I hesitantly jumped on Facebook. The first article that pops up was "What to tell your kids?" Then I lost it, I sobbed as if I had just lost my best friend; What was I going to tell my kids...not my children...my students? How was I going to get up in front of them today and say a nice thing about our next President? How would I say that no matter what, we have to support our leader? My mind was a swirl of emotions; shock, disbelief, fear, nervousness, anger. I didn't know the answer to "Why?"

Going home that night, after literally blinking out tears all day, I did not want to even turn on the news, but I felt that I HAD to, I needed answers now cause I still had no understanding as to the why, yet? Quite honestly, I needed answers from the media as to how they royally fucked this up, since they had been saying from the beginning that this was a "no brainer". Tony got home, and I needed to process, but he did not want to even talk about it. He text me earlier in the day saying "I still can't believe it", but I think that was his way to show me he was done with the whole thing. The news had no "sorry we fucked this up", but it did show the protesters in Chicago, Seattle, New York,on that first night and my heart sang. I was so relieve that I was clearly not the only one in complete shock. This was only the first night and things did not get a crazy as they had gotten over the following days since then.

After the kids went to bed, I went on Facebook to find answers...not a great source, but clearly all of America was on Facebook that night. I still felt like I had gotten punched in the stomach and I wanted almost affrimation that this was totally how it was going to go and I was just losing my damn mind. I was not alone in my thinking and calming to hear others grief too.  I saw celebrations, boasts, certainty of this result, but then others with similar perspectives to me; shock, anger, fear, disbelief. Some had compared this day to 9/11 and I feel that is a bit dramatic, but my "shock" is in that area of emotions.

From my isolated, naive, suburban white woman perspective, I like America just the way it is. Since Obama took presidency, I have gotten married, had two kids, Tony got promoted, we bought a beautiful new house...we are fucking happy! I also am truly proud that LGBT rights have been respected over these 8 years, I actually like Common Core in education, and I am happy with how the economy is going. Why would I want to change that? But obviously, not everyone is happy...and that is what I am/was set out to figure out.

Someone posted an amazing article; one of about twenty that I read that day. The article compared American to the Hunger Games, and other "hero" movies like Star Wars, and Braveheart. The analogy compared the "Empire"/"Capital"/Urban areas compared to the "Districts"/Rural areas. I felt that I had found my answer, that was it! Yeah...my hope to figure this mess out! It fits into a nice, little blue box all ready to be fixed up and solved...maybe? Just Maybe? Perhaps, people in rural areas feel treated unfairly by America, because they don't have the opportunities that we have in the Urban areas. That's it! That is the answer! I have been so fortunate to have 35 years of a suburban, white, upper-middle class life. I am ever grateful for it, but this almost perfect life has also kept me isolated to how others outside of this might live. I am not saying that it was all delivered on a silver platter, I worked hard, but the opportunities were available.

But then there are my friends, yes you... that ruined my happy little answer for why this happened. These are my really close friends too, we raise our children together, we vacation together, we talk politics, and I value their opinions and enjoy hearing their perspectives. Almost all of them voted for Trump. What... the...royal... hell...am... I... missing!  They didn't grow up in rural American. They grew up down the street from me, we rode our bikes together, we played on the same sports teams, we went to college together....WTF? I guess they don't fit into a box, just like I don't fit into a box. This week, I told my dear friends them that I love them all, but ...I need some time. I will try to seek clarity from them, and they will patiently let me pepper them with questions, and I will try to understand their perspective...but now it's too soon. No matter what happens, I will never say "I told you so", it must be a "Now I see your side".

You see, my anger is not with the Republican Party. Tony and I actually have a lot that we agree with that are "Republican Values". Republicans and Democrats are in the exact same spot...they both need to change. From my perspective, they didn't even want Trump. But people liked him for his "say it how it is" attitude. He is going to make changes, and that's what people want. My problem is the person, the person that I will have to listen to for 4/8 more years. I don't want to be embarrassed by my president.  They say he's a smart businessman, an innovator, a motivator...I think he's an asshole. He's your drunk, racist uncle, that you can't tell to shut the fuck up, cause your mom will get pissed at you. He's a dick...and how the hell am I suppose to go to school and tell my students, and my own kids one day, that this fucker, is a leader that we need to look up to and support. Are you out of your ever loving mind?  Again, it's not the Republicans fault  it's that they also got backed into a corner with a crap candidate, but they just happened to come up on top...barely by the way.

My revelation this week, is that I see/hear things on FB and Twitter, and in the news, and talking to people, but I am isolated. to this "bubble" of a life.  I saw and heard, but I did not actually LISTEN. I thought they were all "crazy", and dismissed it like a fly, thinking "there is no way that will ever happen". My goal is to stop seeing and hearing, and start LISTENING, and to engage in conversations. I always feel the hard part is that sometimes when you question peoples thinking, they take offense. How can I question other people to get their opinions, without them thinking that I am a bitch, cause I always seem to come off that way? My friends and family are more patient with my questions cause they know that I am not trying to hurt them. I need to have conversations that will build me up to be a well rounded thinker, and one that can empathize with others. Cause maybe then I won't be so blind sided.

So I started the first step of my LISTENING goal today by going to see my Dad. He has not voted since Nixon, and he told me last week that he voted for Trump. My mom called him an idiot, and we laughed it off. This week, my mom told me to just stay away from him, but I couldn't help it. He knows how upset I am, and with tears in my eyes I said  "Why did you vote for him?" With a straight face and a pause of hesitation, he said  "Cause I think he'll do a good job." With that, I have to believe what my Dad says, he has never steered me wrong, and that is my new belief...that he will do a  good job. I have to believe that...cause that Canadian waiting list is way too long! ;-)